


postpartum blues

by R00M203



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/M, NSFW, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:40:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25214815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/R00M203/pseuds/R00M203
Summary: scully struggles with physical intimacy after having a baby
Relationships: Dana Scully & William | Jackson Van De Kamp, Fox Mulder & Dana Scully, Fox Mulder & William | Jackson Van De Kamp, Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Comments: 7
Kudos: 101





	postpartum blues

**Author's Note:**

> this is a cannon divergent where mulder doesn’t fucking dip right after William’s born. literally everyone was so nice about my first fic, i actually cried about it. so i’m being brave and posting another one. it’s just fluff and smut. thanks for reading if you do :) BIG thanks to @stellaxxgibson for reading and to @cherry_funk for betaing / just being my friend

It’s after 10 o’clock. She sits on the couch, rubbing her legs against the tan suede in an attempt for warmth. It’s cold in the apartment tonight. She pulls down on the sleeve of her robe with one hand, trying to maintain the ivory crib’s steady rocking with the other.

She sighs as William squirms in his onesie. Gazing groggily at his doughy eyes, she can’t help but smile. Why wouldn’t he sleep? He hadn’t napped today and he’d slept only five hours the night before, and yet here he was, wide awake. She’s exhausted, why isn’t he? It’s as if he didn’t want to miss anything. At only a month old he watched and listened with such intensity. Some days she swore he could understand everything.

The beginning of his life certainly wasn’t calm, and maybe he sensed that. Maybe he sensed that the days before his birth were filled with anxiety and fear and dread. Maybe he sensed her persistent doubt of the permanence of his existence. Maybe if she would just fucking relax, he would sleep. But she isn’t relaxed, and how can she be? She couldn’t look away long enough to make a cup of coffee without the all consuming panic that when she turned around, he would be gone.

He squeals, reaching a little hand up towards her. She meets his grasp with an extended index finger, a warmth spreading across her chest as each tiny finger wraps around her one. She rocks her hand gently from side to side, cooing under her breath, and he giggles.

Breaking the tempo of the moving crib she reaches and gently brushes the back of her hand against his plump, pink cheeks. Her brow furrows slightly when she’s met with a clammy chill.

She leans into their bubble and whispers, “I’ll be right back.”

Prying his fingers away gently, she kisses his hands before putting her own on her knees to brace herself as she stands. She was still sore. 

Waddling to the bedroom, she catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She fingers her auburn hair, just starting to brush her shoulders, suddenly unable to remember the last time she let it get this long. Looking down at her swollen breasts she palms them lightly and groans. Her nipples were raw and cracked from feeding and pumping. She needed Mulder back with the lanolin twenty minutes ago. She laughs to herself, having never expected to be sending Mulder out to buy lanolin while she tries to get their baby to sleep. Their baby.

Rummaging through her closet, looking for the swaddle her mother gave her, she hears the front door lock click.

“Hey! What took you so long?” she calls out, her head half buried beneath hanging blazers and fuzzy sweaters.

She finds the swaddle discarded in the corner and frees herself from the suffocating fabric.

“Mulder?” she calls again, shuffling back to the living room.

Walking into the room a sudden wave of nausea washes over her as she’s met with an empty crib and door ajar. White floods her hands as she clutches the blanket, her surging eyes flitting frantically around the empty room. All color retreats from her face. Her heartbeat echoes in her ears.

“Mulder!” she yells, a sound bordering a scream in its intensity.

Footsteps quickly tumble down the hall. Just as she prepares to lunge for her gun, tucked away in a side table drawer, she hears his voice.

“We’re coming,” he calls gently, appearing suddenly in the doorway with a snoozy William curled in his arms.

“You can see Saturn tonight,” he says, looking down at their dozing baby, “there’s a great view from the hall window so I wanted to show him. Do you wanna go loo–” he looks up and, at the sight of her pale, panicked face, stops immediately.

“Scully, what’s wrong?” he asks urgently.

She stands frozen with one hand still grasping the swaddle and the other pressed into her stomach. Her breath comes quickly and tears begin to flood her eyes.

“I went to my room for a second” she starts, her tone high-pitched and shaky, “and came back and he was gone,” her voice cracks and she inhales quickly.

“Shit,” he lays William down in the crib and hurries to her. Taking her icy hands in his, he squeezes them together tightly.

“He’s okay. You’re okay.” He cranes his neck down to get a better look at her face. “Breathe.”

She attempts to exhale slowly, but her breath catches. A tear begins to escape down her cheek.

“You didn’t answer and I–”

“I am so sorry, I will never take him without telling you again.” 

She nods and brushes away the wetness, leaving the blanket pressed against her quivering lips.

“Come here,” he says, pulling her into him. Wrapping his arms completely around her, with one hand across her back and the other gently stroking her hair, he presses his lips into the top of her head.

Not letting the emotion overtake her, she pulls away.

“He’s cold,” she mutters, moving to the crib. She stops at the sight of still eyelids and steady breath. 

“He’s asleep,” she whispers incredulously.

Mulder watches her intently. Before he can speak she collapses onto the couch. Face in hands she begins to cry, stifling her sobs with the now damp swaddle.

“Scully,” Mulder starts, moving to kneel in front of her. He rests his hands on her kneecaps peeking through her robe.

“I’ve been trying to put him down for hours, Mulder. What’s wrong with me? Why is it the second you get home, he goes to sleep?” She looks at him, her eyes filled with such genuine hurt and exhaustion, he wishes he could hold her forever. He wishes he could take all of her pain away. Even though he knows she can handle herself, better than he ever could, he’s always wished he could do that for her.

“He can probably sense your anxiety,” he starts tentatively. He opens his mouth to continue but she cuts him off with an urgent whisper.

“How the hell can I relax when his life has been threatened so many times already?” He feels her incensed spit sprinkle across his forearms.

She rubs at her forehead roughly, pushing and pulling her skin apart. Mulder takes her hands in his. “He’s here. They didn’t take him. He’s safe.”

She looks at him and scoffs, drenching him in contagious doubt. He tries again.

“I know you’d rather die than let anything happen to him. And I’d rather die than let anything happen to either of you. Between the two of us, we won’t let anything happen.”

She’s quiet a moment, then sighs, “I’m so exhausted Mulder.” 

He rises to move onto the couch next to her. She falls into his open arms with a sigh of resignation. Wrapping his arms around her, he squeezes. She winces.

“Did you get the lanolin?” she says with closed eyes, head resting against his chest.

“Oh, yeah,” he kisses the top of her head before moving to a discarded paper bag next to the door. “They were out at the first three stores I went to. It coulda been an X-File, Scully.” He smiles at her. She lifts her eyebrows in annoyance, but can’t keep a small smile from slipping through.

“Yes, I found some,” he concedes handing her the bag.

She takes the bottle and squeezes his hand in gratitude.

“I’ll be right back,” she says, looking longingly at her sleeping baby. Turning, she staggers into the bedroom.

He takes her spot on the couch, listening contently to William’s puppy-like snores, wondering how something so small could possibly look so peaceful. He hangs the forgotten swaddle on the edge of the crib, turns on the monitor perched beside the crib, and prudently tip-toes towards the bedroom.

Peeking around the corner he sees Scully grimace as she applies the balm to her dark, cracked nipples. She sighs and relaxes her shoulders as she rubs, the relief evident in the smooth skin between her eyebrows.

She is amazing. It’s as if every single day she somehow becomes more beautiful and more incredible to him, and, as much as his all consuming love for her terrified him, he wouldn’t have it any other way.

He leans forward, the wall creaks. Scully’s eyes snap open. Instinctively covering herself up she quickly spouts, “Can you sit with William? I’ll be done in a second then you can go to bed.”

“You can’t sleep on the couch again, Scully.”

“Well, until we find the time to unpack your boxes and can bring his crib in here I—”

“Scully, the monitors are on, the door is locked, we will hear if anything happens. You need to get some sleep,” she rolls her eyes and he adds, “and you need to let him get some sleep.”

Before she can protest he continues, “Let me do that for you.”

She hesitates, tilting her chin down and in, taken back by the offer.

“Seriously?”

“Yes.” He kicks off his shoes and crawls to meet her at the head of the bed. Slowly taking the lanolin from her hands, he whispers, “Lean back, close your eyes.”

She hesitates but does, her eyelids fluttering in resistance. He rubs the lanolin around her chapped skin slowly, keeping a close eye on her face, scanning for cues to lighten the pressure or change direction. After a few minutes the crease between her brows softens again, and her breathing slows.

He finishes and kisses around her breasts gently. Taking his time, cherishing the feeling of her milky skin beneath his lips after so long. Her body is still recovering, and she doesn't have her normal libido back.

He sits up and can’t suppress the look of surprise that appears on his face when he’s met with her loving gaze. She’d been watching him, her hand mindlessly fingering his hair. Her smile reminds him of an old Scully. A carefree Scully sitting next to him on his leather couch, drinking a beer, watching a movie on a Friday night.

She feels a familiar tingling in her abdomen, one she hasn’t felt in quite some time. She wants him, in so many ways. He smiles.

“What?” he implores.

“Thank you,” she whispers, leaning to kiss him.

He kisses her back, soft and sweet. Just as he begins to pull away she opens her mouth and brings her hands to his neck, kneading the space between his jaw and hairline, deepening their embrace. Her tongue swipes across his lower lip, and she reaches down to feel his swelling length under his jeans.

She scoots closer to him, opening her legs, inching until her center is flush with his thigh. She moans quietly into his mouth at the contact. Breaking the kiss briefly, Mulder holds her face in his hands, caressing her flushed cheeks with his calloused thumbs.

“Do you want to continue?” he asks carefully, scanning her face.

“I’d like to try tonight,” she whispers in a low, raspy voice. A voice he hasn’t heard in some time.

At his eyebrows arching in surprise, she clarifies, “Try somethings, I’ll have to see how I feel but—” He presses his lips to hers, swallowing her words.

“Whatever you need, I am here for. We’ll go slow,” he murmurs into her.

She nods and smiles as he begins kissing down her neck. He reaches up, and slides the robe off her shoulders, feeling the emerging goosebumps as her skin meets the cool air.

“Can you turn off the lights?” she asks suddenly.

He stops completely. “Why?”

She pulls the robe back over her shoulders. “I just— I don't know. I don’t look the same as I did and—”

“Scully, you’re beautiful. You’re more beautiful than ever.” He kisses down her neck again, his tongue trailing across her collar bone, and down the center of her chest. He smiles into her skin at the sound of her involuntary low, soft moan.

“If you really want me to turn the lights off, I will. But Scully,” he raises his head to look into her flooding crystal eyes. “You’re the most stunning thing I have ever laid my eyes on.”

He sees the tears begin to well in her eyes, and he quickly brings a hand to her cheek. She presses her lips together and smiles.

“Okay,” she whispers.

He kisses her, smiling as her warm tongue enters his mouth languidly.

“Is it okay if I—” he nods downwards with his head.

“Yeah, yeah, that’s fine” she responds, her voice slightly higher pitched than normal.

He continues kissing down her body, taking his time getting there. He avoids direct contact with her nipples, kissing around them, massaging her breasts as gently as he can. She moans in encouragement and he increases his pressure, stopping when the moans transform into quick intakes of air.

He kisses down her stomach. The skin is looser than before. She squirms beneath him, clearly uncomfortable, so he takes extra care.

“Thank you, thank you,” he whispers in between kisses.

“What?” she asks quietly, her eyes still closed.

“I’m thanking your body,” he says matter of factly, continuing his tender exploration. He palms her stomach and presses down, remembering the sudden thuds he’d feel when Wiliam kicked beneath her skin.

She shudders beneath him and he looks up to see her hands over her face.

“Scully,” he starts.

“No— I’m okay. I’m just emotional,” she says, her voice constricted and shaky. “Please keep going,” she says looking at him, tears shining on her cheeks in the low bedroom light. “I want this.”

He nods, and interlaces his fingers between hers, bringing them to his lips. She completely discards her robe and adjusts on the bed, lying flatter now.

Mulder reaches his destination and breathes hot air into her folds. She shivers, letting out a breath she must have been holding. He goes to reach in with his finger, but pauses when he notices how dry she is. There’s some moisture, but not the usual Scully-level arousal. She’s normally dripping at just his touch.

She reaches to her nightstand, grabs a little blue bottle, and hands it to him.

“Vaginal dryness is common in postpartum women,” she explains.

“But are you turned o–”

“Yes.” She says slow and emphatic.

He nods and coats her with the cool gel slowly. Inserting his usual four fingers, she lets out a high pitched yelp.

“No, no, no,” she jolts upwards, her face scrunched in pain. He pulls them back immediately.

“I’m so sorry,” he says quickly, thick concern coating his voice.

“It’s okay,” she exhales and lays back on the bed. Her hands clutching the space between her hip bones. 

She takes a moment and catches her breath. “I’m so sorry,” she starts.

“Scully, you just had a baby.” He kisses up her stomach and chest, finding her lips. “This is about you, figuring out what you need right now. Don’t apologize.”

“But I want you. All of you.” She strokes his cheek with her hands, brushing back his tufted hair. He hadn’t had a haircut in a while either. “And if I can’t even take your fingers right now,” her voice breaks and she looks away, frustration revealing itself, red in her cheeks.

He kisses her gently, “We’ll take it day by day. I’m not going anywhere.”

She flinches at his words. She wants to believe that he isn’t going anywhere. With every fiber in her being she wants to believe that. But he’s gone before, she’d adjusted to a world without him. If it wasn’t for their child growing inside her, it would have killed her. She wasn’t sure, if something were to happen again, that she would survive this time. Like William, she doubts the permanence of his existence.

“What?” he presses gently, watching her watch him.

“I love you,” she says looking deep into his eyes.

To her surprise he laughs. “Scully, you have no idea,” he trails off. She tilts her head in confusion and his expression softens. “Without you,” he chooses his words carefully, “I wouldn’t be here.” He takes a breath, “You are everything to me,” he whispers leaning closer to her. “You both are.”

She smells sunflower seeds on his breath, and feels the warmth radiating from his sturdy skin. She kisses him, a kiss as much fueled by her love for him as by her fear of losing him.

Instinctively knowing she’s ready, he inserts one finger slowly and she gasps, grinding her hips against him. He inserts a second and she exhales long and slow.

“Oh my god,” she moans.

“Are you o–”

“Yes, Mulder, I’ll tell you if I’m not– oh,” she gasps as he curls his fingers. He laughs and continues at a slow rhythm. He makes his way down her body again.

She feels his hot tongue meet her swollen clit. Whimpering, she arches her back. To control his speed she runs her fingers through his hair, adjusting and encouraging as he goes.

“Oh god, just like that,” she gasps, her words breaking into a low, sweet moan.

She reaches to grab her breast, flinching when she squeezes with the fervor she would have before. With a heaving chest she closes her eyes and massages gently.

Tongue swirling, fingers pumping, and hands kneading, she clenches her jaw and grits her teeth, trying not to make any noise. What began as long, slow breaths turn into quick pants. Letting go, she moans in short bursts, getting higher and higher in pitch.

“Mulder, Mulder, Mulder! Oh god don’t stop I’m–” she gasps, and arches her back more drastically, the top of her head pushing into the bed. Her toes curl into his shoulder blades as she shakes and lets out three loud, desperate, guttural moans.

As she collapses into the bed, Mulder licks her escaped arousal, now dripping between her thighs. Just as she catches her breath, they hear a cry.

“Oh my god, I woke him up,” she whimpers, pulling a pillow onto her face. She groans as, at the sound of his cry, milk begins to leak from her split nipples.

“Don’t move,” Mulder says, already on his feet in route to the living room.

He picks William up, wraps him in the abandoned swaddle, and brings him into the bedroom.

Back in her robe, Scully sits on the bed, her face soft and relaxed. A face he hadn’t seen in a long time.

“Who taught you how to swaddle?” she asks, genuinely impressed.

“Maybe that’s the X-File,” he replies, placing a crying William in her arms. “Scoot over.”

She does, and he positions himself behind her on the bed. “Sit here, in between my legs.

She leans into him, opening her robe for her child, wincing only slightly as he latches on.

“Thank you, Mulder,” she murmurs groggily. “I promise next time I’ll take care of you.”

He brushes the hair out of her face, kissing her temple. “I’m already taken care of.”

They sit like this for a few moments, basking in nothing but the sounds of distance traffic of a suckling baby. Their son in her arms, and her in his.

“Hey, Scully,” he starts, but stops when he hears a quiet wheezing. Peeking over her shoulder, he smiles at her still eyelids and steady breath. He watches as her stomach rises up and down, moving William with it.

Satisfied, William looks up at Mulder. The same ocean eyes as his mother, blinking slowly, fighting sleep.

“We’re pretty lucky to have her, aren’t we bud?” he whispers quietly.

William yawns, and squirms slightly before his eyes start to close again.

“You can rest little one, I got you.”

As if understanding, William closes his eyes and drifts into sleep.

“I got you both,” Mulder whispers, mostly to himself. Kissing the top of Scully’s head, he relaxes into his own peaceful sleep, wrapped in the warmth of both his loves resting in his arms.

**Author's Note:**

> WOW you actually read, THANK YOU :)


End file.
